


Change

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Alternate Universe, Drama, First Time, M/M, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2004-02-02
Updated: 2004-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-01 08:36:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/354467
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex decides to make a change in his life and he gets much more than he expected.  Begins in the middle of the summer following Clark's junior year in high school.  (Originally written for ClexFest, the seventh wave.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Change

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to everyone who gave me information on my questions about Lex and his educational background. Of course, in the end, we all make it up as we go along. Thanks to Witch Hazel, Chibimom, and Kellie for beta-reading. Written for ClexFest, the seventh wave-- "The First Line." Thanks to Kira for setting up the ClexFest and hope things start looking up! 

## Change

by Hecubus

<http://www.sjlee.org/smallville/>

* * *

Disclaimer: Smallville and its characters are property of the WB and DC Comics. I don't own any of it. This story is for entertainment purposes only. Please do not redistribute without my permission. 

Author's 

Summary: Lex decides to make a change in his life and he gets much more than he expected. Begins in the middle of the summer following Clark's junior year in high school. 

* * *

"I've decided to leave Smallville, Clark." 

"What?" Clark asked, looking up from his coffee, stunned. 

"I've decided to leave Smallville," Lex repeated across from him at their little corner table in the back of the Talon. "I'm moving to Gotham." 

"Why?" 

"For a lot of reasons," Lex said, shrugging before he leaned over and lowered his voice. "But the biggest is that I'm going back to school." 

"Wow, Lex... that's great," Clark said, trying to put on a sincere smile. "I mean, congratulations. I guess." 

"Don't act so excited, Clark," Lex teased, trying to alleviate the awkwardness of the moment, although he was secretly glad that the young man seemed to be so upset by the idea that he was leaving. 

"Sorry, it's just such a big surprise... I mean, is this what you want?" 

"Believe it or not, yes," Lex answered firmly. "After everything with the plant, with Helen, with working for my father these past few months, I've realized that neither Smallville nor Metropolis is the place for me." Lex let his eyes fall on the young man for a brief moment, lingering over the familiar lines of his face. "At least not right now," he added. 

"So, Gotham is?" Clark said, looking up with creased eyebrows. 

"I think it can be," Lex said, nodding. "I've always wanted to go back and finish my degree, but instead of going back for my doctorate, I've decided to go to business school. I've already been accepted into the program at Gotham University and am set to start in the fall." 

"Business school?" Clark asked, letting out a nervous smile. "But Lex, you already know everything there is to know about business!" 

"I appreciate the vote of confidence, Clark," Lex smirked. "But business school isn't just about learning about business-- although I think I can stand to learn a lot while I'm there. It's also about making important connections, networking, etc." 

"Well, don't you already have a lot of connections? I mean, you know, being who you are." 

"Yes, but that's the problem," Lex sighed. "They're tied to who I am-- my father's son. I know that I'll never be able to divorce my last name-- and I don't want to-- but I need to do something to get away from my father, get out from under his shadow. At least for a little while. And I think getting my degree, even working for other companies while I'm in school, will also give me some credibility other than what my last name affords me." 

"I see," Clark said, taking in Lex's words. "Well, you know that I've never really associated you with your father, but if that's what you think you need to do, I'm all for it." He smiled at his best friend, beaming support and encouragement. 

"Thanks, Clark," Lex breathed out, letting out a sigh of relief and returning his friend's smile. "You're the first person I've told about this-- other than the people at Gotham University and Bruce Wayne." 

"Bruce Wayne?" Clark said, raising his eyebrows in surprise. He wasn't sure if his surprise was because it was Bruce Wayne or because Lex had told him his news before he told Clark. 

"Yeah..." Lex started, pausing for a moment to decide how to describe their relationship. "We're old school friends and he's part of the reason I picked Gotham, aside from the fact that it's one of the best business schools in the country. Even though it's been years since we've seen each other, he was the closest thing to a friend I had for a long time and he's willing to help me break away from my father. I think I might be able to do it alone, but it's good to know that I have an ally." 

Clark wanted to say that he had an ally in him too, but he knew there was probably more behind Lex's friendship with the prince of Gotham than Lex was admitting to and decided to dismiss it for the moment. "So, what are you going to do about the castle? And the Talon?" 

"Well, my father has been threatening to take away the castle for a while now. He can have it," Lex explained, shrugging. "As for the Talon, I'll still hold onto it," he stated as he looked around at the tacky faux-gyptian decor with a strange fondness. "Lana isn't old enough, much less ready to take over completely, but I've started looking for someone who can act as the senior manager and help her with the books and day-to-day operations." 

"I see," Clark responded softly. "Well, it looks like you've got this all figured out." 

Lex watched Clark stare into his lap pensively. "What's wrong, Clark?" 

"Nothing... it's great that you're doing this. I'm happy for you." Clark let out a reluctant smile, but then paused as he worried his lip in thought. "I guess I'm just wondering... why didn't you tell me about this sooner?" 

"I know... I'm sorry," Lex apologized, shaking his head. "I know it's a surprise and I probably should have told you sooner, but honestly, when I decided to apply, I didn't think I would get in. I didn't think I would end up going. There's a lot of baggage associated with me and I wasn't sure if Gotham would be willing to accept me." 

"Why wouldn't they accept you?" 

"A lot of reasons," Lex began, ducking his head a little in embarrassment. Clark was one of the few people who could make him feel that way. "I might have done well in school, but I don't have the best social record at the other universities I attended. And even if they looked past that, it might look like they're accepting me just because I'm a Luthor." He paused for a moment before voicing his greatest concern. "And I don't know if they realize it yet, but my enrollment there against my father's wishes could cause problems." 

"Have you told him yet?" 

"I'm going to drop off my letter of resignation tomorrow morning." 

"Hope it goes well," Clark wished sincerely. "I'm just going to miss you, I guess," he finally admitted. 

"I'm going to miss you too, Clark," Lex said, smiling softly and reaching out to briefly touch Clark's hand with his own, perhaps lingering a moment too long. "But don't think of it like I'm leaving you behind or anything. We'll keep in touch. I know we will." 

Clark smiled at Lex's confidence. 

Lex returned his smile, but then stared down at the table for a moment and sighed. "I have to do this," he said softly. "I have to do something. I'm just not happy here." 

"I didn't know it was that bad," Clark responded gently. 

"Most of the time, it's not," Lex said, shaking his head and looking up to see his friend's kind face looking back at him with genuine concern and care. "I just need a change." 

* * *

After dropping Clark off at the farm, Lex drove back to the mansion, his ears filled with the deafening silence inside his car and his mind filled with thoughts and reflections about his past, present and future. After practically coming back from the dead and finally bowing to his father's requests, Lex felt like he was being pushed and pulled in every direction and in the end, he had no say over his own life. 

He had gone to work for his father, trying to make him believe that he would obediently follow him and prepare himself to take over LuthorCorp, but in reality, he was still trying to rebuild LexCorp and eventually break away. Unfortunately, it hadn't been going so well. He knew he didn't exactly deserve the best life after all his years of excess and reckless living, but he felt like for the past few years at least, he had sincerely tried to become a better man. But he just couldn't win. Others still thought of him as just a Luthor and his own father continued to treat him like a rival. 

And on top of that, being friends with the very person who had made him want to be a better man and taught him the true meaning of friendship was becoming unbearable torture. At first, Lex had attributed his attachment to the young man to the fact that he had saved his life. Then, after all the times he'd seen or heard about Clark doing the impossible, Lex had ascribed his Clark fascination to his obsession with everything surrounding the meteor shower and the meteor rocks. And lately, he had tried to justify his continuing fixation on the possibility that he was just a dirty old man. Clark was young and beautiful by any standard-- it would only be natural for Lex to find him attractive, to be attracted to him. 

But the more he tried to write it off as lust, the more Lex realized that his infatuation had most certainly matured into a truly deep and honest love for the young man. Lex finally admitted to himself that he was in love with Clark and as far as he could tell, that wasn't going to change any time soon. 

But what can a bisexual man in love with his straight, teenaged best friend do? Lex realized that perhaps one day he would be able to put his feelings aside and be friends with Clark, watch him date women, eventually marry one and have a family, but right now, even he wasn't that much of a masochist. Clark was too easily within reach and every moment spent with him was an agonizing taunt and filled with an unbearable longing. 

Lex needed to get away to rediscover himself and take control of his own destiny, away from his father, away from everything that reminded him of what had happened with Helen, and away from Clark. Sweet Clark. 

* * *

After saying goodbye to Lex, Clark walked up the driveway and instead of going into the house, he trudged into the barn, up the stairs and into the loft, falling in a heavy heap onto the couch. His mind was reeling and as Lex's announcement began to sink it, his heart began to... frankly, hurt, and tears threatened his eyes. Why was he so upset? Lex was a good friend, his best friend, but it wasn't like he was leaving forever. In fact, something like this would have happened eventually considering Lex was working for Lionel in Metropolis and Clark would be leaving for college in a year. He just hadn't expected something like this to happen so soon. 

The truth was that Clark hadn't expected something like this to happen at all. Part of him believed that Lex would always be around, whether Clark was baling hay on the farm or starting college somewhere far away. He just figured that somehow Lex would always be there, be there to talk to, to hang out, to play pool with... anything really. And he knew it wasn't the end of the world, that they would call and email and keep in touch just like Lex had said, but Clark felt like everything was going to change, that it would be different, and he could already feel himself missing his best friend. 

But Clark knew that it wasn't just Lex's companionship that he would miss. He was upset because he knew he had missed an opportunity, an opportunity that wouldn't come around again. The opportunity to finally tell Lex how he felt about him. Clark knew that he had been having feelings for Lex for years now, but he had thought he was just confused, curious. Despite Pete's macho denials, he knew every guy, at one time or another, probably thought about being attracted to another guy. Of course, in Clark's case, the answer to that question was a resounding "Yes!" and the answer to the follow up question "Who?" was a booming "Lex, Lex, Lex!" And in the end, he expected Lex to be there when he finally got up the nerve to confess those feelings to him. 

But Lex was leaving now and Clark had missed his chance. Maybe he could confess his feelings over the phone or over email or even when Lex might come home for the holidays, but it wouldn't be the same, and if Lex was going to start a whole new life in Gotham, away from their regular drinks at the Talon or dropping by with the weekly produce delivery, how could he ever show Lex that they were meant to be together? Just like everyone said, out of sight is out of mind and Clark knew he would drift out of Lex's, but Lex would certainly not drift out of his. 

* * *

"Lex? What is the meaning of this?" Lionel asked, gesturing at his son with a folded letter as he sat waiting in the castle's study. 

"Good to see you too, Dad," Lex greeted as he walked through the study doors and headed toward the bar for a bottle of water. "I'm fine. Thanks." 

"Cut the bullshit, Lex. What is this?" 

"I believe it's my letter of resignation," Lex answered coolly before taking a long sip. 

"What is this, some kind of stunt?" Lionel asked, trying to remain calm. "You're going back to school?" 

"I am," Lex confirmed as he sat down behind his desk. "If you remember, there was a time when I was quite the academic." 

"From what I remember, you were a troublemaker who was kicked out and my money was what got you back into school." 

"Yes, but as I recall, I was, if I do say so myself, quite a good student," Lex quickly pointed out. "It wasn't my academic performance that got me kicked out. I believe it was an unfortunate incident in the chemistry building that was the straw that finally broke the camel's back. Not to mention the drinking, drugs and... women." 

Lionel smirked. "How gracious of you to edit your sexual history." 

"I know my bisexuality bothers you," Lex said, shrugging. 

"It's not your bisexuality that bothers me. It's the recklessness with which you practice it." 

Lex sighed deeply at this, trying to maintain his composure. While he was usually the king of outward apathy, his father was one person who knew how to push all of his buttons. "As much as I'd like to continue discussing my sexual 'practices,' is there a point to your visit?" 

"What do you hope to accomplish by going back to school?" Lionel questioned as he rose and approached his son. 

"I believe the standard answer is 'get an education.'" 

"Lex." 

"Look, Dad," Lex began as he stood up, an expression of determination on his face. "I gave you sufficient notice of my departure from LuthorCorp, like any employee would, and last time I checked, my employment with LuthorCorp is at will. And as your son, I'm not asking you to approve of my decision or to pay for school or anything else. I have my own money now-- including what Mom left me-- and I've decided that it's time to step out on my own. And after much reflection, I've decided that going back to school is the way to do it." 

He paused briefly, casually putting his hands in his pockets. 

"I'd think you'd be happy-- this time, at least I didn't stage an employee buyout of one of your factories." 

Lionel studied his son for a moment. "I expect you to be completely moved out of your office and the castle by the end of the month," he stated, face serious and free from emotion. 

"As you wish," Lex responded, staring back at his father resolutely. 

Lionel nodded and then turned to leave. 

* * *

Chloe breezed into the Talon, descending on Clark where he sat in the corner staring into his coffee. 

"Hey! How are you doing?" she greeted brightly. 

"Okay," Clark answered flatly, avoiding Chloe's eyes. But he could feel her watching him. "What?" 

"I know about Lex," she said softly. "My dad told me." 

"Oh. Yeah." 

"It's only two years, Clark," she reassured him as she patted his hand comfortingly. "He'll be back before you know it. Besides, you'll be busy with your senior year and starting college and all of that." 

"Yeah, I guess," Clark said, trying to shake off his sadness. 

"So, are you and Lex going to do something special before he leaves?" 

"Like what?" 

"I don't know," Chloe said, shrugging. "I just figured you would want to make his last night here special. He is your best friend, Clark," she said simply as she idly searched for something in her purse. "And if you hadn't spent the last... I don't know how many years pining for Lana, I'd think you were jones-ing for something more than friendship." 

Clark's lack of a response to her joke made Chloe look up at her friend, catching the momentary look of horror and embarrassment on his face before he composed himself. 

"Oh my God," she said in a whisper. "I'm right, aren't I?" 

Clark coughed uncomfortably. "I don't know what you're talking about, Chloe." 

"Clark, the look on your face just now pretty much confirmed you knew what I was talking about." 

"It's not a big deal, Chloe. I mean, it's crossed my mind once or twice, but it's nothing serious." 

"It's not a disease, Clark," she said seriously, but gently. "It's okay. I mean, Lex is a pretty hot guy." 

Clark relaxed a little and smiled. "He is, isn't he?" 

Chloe smiled back in the affirmative. The two friends paused for a moment, allowing the news to sink in. 

"This explains so much!" Chloe said, breaking the silence. 

"You can't tell anybody, Chloe," Clark said hurriedly. 

"Please, Clark," she said, rolling her eyes. "Of course I wouldn't. Smallville isn't exactly gay pride headquarters." 

Clark bit his lip, wondering if anybody else had superhearing. "Besides, it doesn't matter. I'm not going to tell him." 

"Why not?" Chloe asked in confusion. Clark thought she seemed to be handling this surprisingly well. Even better than he was. "Everyone knows he's bisexual and by the way he's been giving you looks all these years, he's got to be attracted to you." 

"Looks?" Clark said, eyebrows raised to his hairline. 

"Clark, despite your pretty exterior, you are one of the smartest people I know. Except when you're acting clueless." 

"I've had a lot of practice," he muttered as he stared back into his coffee. 

Chloe studied her friend for a moment. She had been preoccupied with the revelation that Clark was attracted to men-- well, just Lex as far as she knew-- and had failed to notice how truly upset he was at the young billionaire's departure. "Tell me this: are you in love with him?" 

Clark looked up in surprise. "Chloe..." 

"Come on, Clark," she cut off. "I highly doubt you would be looking like you were when I came in here if you just thought he was hot." 

"I'm just sad he's leaving," Clark explained. "I'm going to miss him." 

"At the risk of sounding self-pitying, when I thought I was going to have to move back to Metropolis, you didn't look that sad. I know-- you'll deny it to the day you die," she said as she held her hand up to Clark's expected protest. "The point is that after this new piece of information, everything I've seen go on between you and Lex falls into place and makes much more sense. Maybe you're not in love with him, but there's definitely something there." She paused for a moment and took a deep breath. "And you have to tell him." 

"Why?" Clark whined. "I mean, what if he doesn't feel the same way?" 

"It doesn't matter," Chloe answered, shaking her head resolutely. "This is what you do when somebody leaves. This is what you do when your best friend moves away. This is what you do when your best friend, who you pulled out from a river and brought back to life, is about to leave. This is what you do... this is what you do... this is what you do when you're in love," she finished, sighing as she remembered the letter she read to Clark the one and only time he had been sick. After discovering Clark's attraction to Lex, she doubly thanked God that Clark hadn't heard a thing she had said. 

"I didn't know you were such a romantic, Chloe," Clark said, smiling softly. 

"Yeah, well," she replied, blushing prettily. Clark could always make her blush. "There are a lot of things you don't know about me," she retorted with a mock defiance. 

Clark chuckled lightly and Chloe gave him one last smile and wink. 

* * *

(a few weeks later) 

Lex invited Clark over for a final game of pool before the move. Lex wouldn't be able to take the table with him-- it being very large and made of very heavy marble. 

"So what are your plans for your last night in town?" Clark asked as he watched Lex take his shot. 

"Well, I'd like to say a wild night out," Lex said, sinking his shot with a deft snap of his arm. "But alas, it will probably just be a night spent packing and tying up loose ends." 

"Well, if you don't have much to do, how about we spend it together?" Clark suggested, shifting his weight back and forth nervously. "I mean... we could watch a movie, or have dinner, or... something." 

Lex smiled and immediately answered. "I'd like that, Clark." 

* * *

"Lex?" Clark called out, wandering around the mansion. 

"In here, Clark," Lex called from his bedroom. "I almost thought you weren't going to show up." 

"Something came up," Clark explained as he hesitantly walked into the bedroom. He had only been in this part of the mansion once or twice during the entire time he had been friends with the young billionaire. He thought it strangely apropos that he would be so readily invited into this intimate space tonight. 

"I'm sorry," Clark apologized. "I tried to get here as soon as I could." 

"Don't worry about it, Clark," Lex said, hardly looking up at the young man when he entered. 

Lex busily moved about the room as he finished packing, wishing Clark had been able to see his room when it was still filled with his most personal belongings. He had often dreamed of showing the young man all of his most private possessions after they had shared his bed. 

"Although I don't know how long I'll be able to hang out now," Lex added, pushing the images out of his mind and remembering how late his friend had been. "I have an early flight to catch." 

"Wow, it looks like you're all ready to go," Clark commented sadly as he looked up at the empty shelves. 

"Yeah... just packing a few last things." 

"I thought you'd have someone do that for you." 

"Most of my stuff was packed by the staff, but there are a few personal things I'd rather put away myself," Lex explained as he put away photo albums into a box sitting on his bed. 

Clark sighed at Lex's seemingly short answer. He had been thinking about this moment all day, all week, all month since he had decided to confess his feelings to Lex, but when the time finally came for him to go over to the castle, to his best friend's house to tell him that he was in love with him, fate had other plans. This was Smallville and in Smallville, there's always a meteor mutant around when you least needed one. 

"I'm sorry I didn't get here earlier." 

"It's okay, Clark," Lex assured him, looking up and smiling. It was hard to be surly around Clark. "Really. Besides, we have plenty of time to say goodbye." 

"Somehow that doesn't make me feel better," Clark answered, sighing. He sat down on the edge of the bed and looked up at his friend, face serious and honest. "I wish that we didn't have to say goodbye at all." 

"Clark..." Lex sighed, both pained and touched by Clark's statement. "It's only two years and I'll probably be back for holidays and maybe even summers," he reasoned, trying to comfort himself as much as his young friend. "And besides, with the Internet, we'll always be in touch. It'll be like I never left," he said almost flippantly, then put on a fake smile and turned to continue packing. 

"Lex, I'm not afraid we'll lose touch," Clark answered, grabbing Lex by the wrist before he could get away. "We'll always be friends. But it won't be like you never left. It'll be different." 

"I know," Lex said, trying to ignore the warmth of Clark's touch. "But I'll be back before you know it. And you're right. We'll always be friends. No matter where we are or what we're doing." 

Clark stared down into his lap. "Lex, there's something I want to tell you. I've been wanting to tell you for a while now, but I was... scared, I guess. Confused." 

"Clark, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to," Lex said right away. He had never stopped wondering about Clark's secrets, but he didn't want the young man to divulge them just because he was leaving. Frankly, Lex didn't know if he could handle it. Or deserved it. "I understand. We all have our secrets." 

"No, that's not it," Clark said, looking a little surprised when he realized what Lex must have thought he was talking about. "Well, yes, I know I have some secrets, but that's not what I wanted to talk to you about." 

Clark fell silent, but his hand was still holding Lex's wrist loosely and now it moved gently down to hold the older man's hand. 

Lex's breath hitched at the simple intimacy in the touch and whispered, "Clark, what is it?" 

Clark looked up at Lex with bright green eyes filled with a complicated mix of honesty and anxiety. 

"I think I'm in love with you," he confessed plainly. 

Lex's hand dropped out of Clark's as he stumbled back slightly in shock. 

"Clark, you're not... you don't... you don't know what you're saying," Lex strangled out, shaking his head. 

"I do, Lex," Clark responded, rising to his feet to place firm hands on Lex, steadying him and drawing him closer. "I know exactly what I'm saying. And I might have been confused before, but right now, I know exactly how I feel about you. I'm utterly and completely in love with you," he said, letting out an almost self-deprecating smile. "I have been for years, but it took the thought of you leaving to finally get me to do something." 

"Clark, you might think you know what you're doing, what you're saying, but you're making a mistake," Lex insisted, caught between joy and disbelief. "A big mistake." 

"I'm not," Clark said, desperately trying to convince Lex. "Even if you don't feel the same way about me, I know how I feel about you and I had to tell you. I couldn't let you leave without telling you." 

Lex let out an almost hysterical laugh at that and asked, "Clark, how could you ever think that I wouldn't feel the same way about you?" He finally relaxed into Clark's touch a little and placed a gentle hand on the young man's face. "I've been in love with you since the day I met you," he said softly. "Before I discovered how incredible you really are." 

Clark smiled. 

"I know." 

Lex let out a genuine chuckle at that, shaking his head in disbelief. 

"You're suddenly quite confident, aren't you?" 

"Please," Clark said, rolling his eyes. "I'm terrified right now. But I figured if I could confess something like this to anyone and not have to worry about being embarrassed, it would be you. I knew the worst that could happen would be that you wouldn't feel the same way about me," he explained. "And it looks like that's not the case." 

Lex smiled a genuine smile and cupped Clark's face in his hand, letting his fingers brush against soft, dark curls. 

"No, it's not," he said softly. 

"Good," Clark answered, equally softly as he leaned in so close that Lex could feel his breath on his lips. "So, can I kiss you now?" 

Lex smiled yet again and whispered a breathy "Yes." 

* * *

That first kiss, that first sweet and passionate kiss, had seemed to go on forever and was only broken by the occasional gasps for air. And that first kiss had progressed into an exploration with tongues and hands of mouths and bodies and two young men, two best friends in love, fell into bed, under and over soft cotton sheets, and they immersed themselves in each other and this moment. They knew they would probably have many questions to ask and answer, many things to discuss when it was all over, but for now, they lost themselves in each other's touch and the achingly sweet realization that they were finally there, together, and acting out the things that had filled both of their dreams since the day a heroic young man pulled an unfortunate billionaire from a river and perhaps, changed his luck and both of their futures forever. 

* * *

Clark and Lex faced each other as they lay on their sides in Lex's expansive bed. Moonlight peeked through just sheer enough curtains, playing over the gentle curves of each other's faces and bodies. 

"Clark, that was incredible," Lex said, a goofy smile threatening his face. "Not to mention unexpected. I mean, who knew you would even know how to do... any of that? And so well." 

Clark chuckled lightly, nervous energy fighting with post-coital fatigue inside of him. "The Internet is a young boy's friend," he joked. "I wasn't kidding, Lex," he added seriously. "I've wanted to do that for a long time. And I meant it when I said I loved you." 

"I know," Lex answered softly, overwhelmed by the meaning of those words from such a man. "I'd be lying if I said I hadn't wanted it for a long time, too. And that I didn't feel the same way." 

Clark nodded gently. He reached out and pulled Lex closer to him. Lex happily melted into his new lover's body and rested his head under Clark's chin. 

"Clark." 

"Yes?" 

"This doesn't change anything. I'm still leaving tomorrow." 

"I know," Clark said, surprisingly calm. "I didn't do it to make you stay." 

Lex sat up, leaning on one elbow to look down at his young friend. "You know, if things were different-- maybe the way they were a few months ago, a year ago..." He paused for a moment and then sighed deeply. "If you'd asked me then, I would have. I would have stayed." 

"Please don't say that, Lex," Clark said, shutting his eyes tightly and turning his face slightly into the pillow. He struggled to be strong, to be bigger than his own selfish desires, to know that he couldn't keep Lex in Smallville just because he wanted him to be there. "It will only make me wish I had done something sooner. But I know that you have to go. You need more of a reason to stay in Smallville than me." 

Lex knew Clark was right. Honestly, it had been Clark's influence in his life that had made him reevaluate the kind of man he wanted to be and what he wanted to do with his life. It had been a long and strange journey with the plant, Helen and everything else, but somehow, at the end of the day, Clark was always there. And even though Clark was here with him now, in his bed and telling him all the things he had hoped for all these years, he knew that it wouldn't be enough for either of them. At least not right now. He knew he still needed to get away and rediscover himself, hopefully becoming even more of the type of man that Clark deserved and more equipped to face the challenges that would no doubt come along with their relationship. 

"You know, I almost can't believe I'm doing it," Lex said to change the subject for a moment, chuckling lightly as he fell back onto the bed. 

"Are you nervous?" Clark asked as he pulled Lex closer to him again like a teddy bear. 

"A little," Lex confessed as he settled into Clark's arms. "When I applied, I practically did it on a whim. Like I said, there are a lot of factors that could have negatively affected my chances of acceptance. And even if I were accepted, I wasn't sure if I would get up the will, the courage to leave Smallville and Metropolis behind, to put up with my father's attempts to stop me from going, to go back to school full-time, to-- and it sounds strange just saying it-- do things like live in a dorm again or have a summer job." 

"It does sound kind of weird," Clark agreed, laughing. "But it sounds a lot like how I feel about going away to college next year." 

Lex smiled into Clark's chest. Even in this, Clark understood how he felt. "Clark, there are a lot of things I love about Smallville-- most of all, you-- and it's taught me a lot, but I guess I just need more." 

Lex pulled away for a moment and sat up again, looking down into Clark's eyes, a little more serious and a little more vulnerable. 

"I don't want you to think I'm running away from my problems," Lex explained earnestly. "I don't want you to think I'm running away from my father. I've just realized that the way I've been going about things isn't quite working. It may look like I'm running away to Gotham, but I hope I'm running toward something better. What I really hope I can do is get some distance from all the pressures normally associated with my last name so that I can get some perspective on my life, who I want to be, and what I want to do. I think I need to be a student again, in the classroom and of life, do all the things I might have missed out on while I was busy with my wild years in Metropolis or running the plant. I went straight from being an out of control teenager to a forty-year-old crap factory manager." 

"I think you missed a few steps there," Clark commented, looking up at his friend with an understanding smile. 

"You're telling me," Lex said, smiling in return and sighing. "I guess I hope that by getting a little distance from my father, I'll be able to focus on preparing myself to come back and in the end, really do what I need and want to do." 

"Beat your father?" Clark offered, half jokingly, half serious. 

"Maybe," Lex answered, smirking. "I don't know. I think I'm finally in a position to break away from him for a little while and I want to take this opportunity to get comfortable with myself again, to..." 

"Find yourself?" Clark suggested, smiling. 

Lex laughed lightly at the cliche. "Something like that." 

"If that's what you need to do, Lex, then I'm all for it," Clark affirmed, caressing Lex's thigh through soft sheets. "I'll miss you, but I want you to be happy." 

Lex reached out and ran his fingers through Clark's hair, cupping his face in his hand. 

"Clark, don't think I take what you said to me tonight lightly. I don't. You don't know how much it means to hear you say that you love me. That you're..." 

"In love with you?" Clark finished for him. 

"Yeah," Lex said, smiling. "It's hard for me to even say, much less believe it." 

"Well, believe it," Clark said firmly. "And I know it wasn't an easy thing for you to say to me either." 

"Somehow it seems easier with you," Lex admitted. He paused for a moment, worrying his lip in preparation. "I don't want you to feel tied down by it." 

"Is this where you tell me a long-distance relationship won't work?" Clark asked, smiling. 

"Don't get me wrong, Clark," Lex started quickly, somewhat relieved that Clark knew what he was thinking. 

"I know, Lex," Clark comforted, sitting up to address his friend better. "I know that confessing our feelings to each other, falling into bed with each other the night before you move away isn't the way to start a relationship. Only in my wildest dreams did I think you might return my feelings, that we would spend this night together like this, but even if we did, I knew that I couldn't expect you to save yourself for me. You've starting a new chapter of your life and as hard as it is for me to admit, I don't fit into it." 

"You do," Lex contended. "You always will. Just not..." 

"Like that," Clark finished for him without a trace of bitterness in his voice. "I know." 

"You'll be starting a new chapter in your life soon too," Lex pointed out. "You should enjoy it. Embrace it. You shouldn't worry about waiting around for me." 

"I wouldn't say I'd be waiting around for you. Just preparing myself for you. For us." Clark took a deep breath. "Even though you're older than me, I think we're both in a place in our lives where we're still trying to figure out who we are and who we want to be. I understand why you're going to Gotham. I get it. I really do. And while I don't think how we feel about each other will change, that it's part of who we are and who we want to be, I also know that this thing between us is big. Maybe bigger than what either one of us can handle right now. But it's there and it's real and it's good and it will be there when we're ready for it." 

Lex smiled at Clark's wisdom. "You seem to have given this a lot of thought." 

"Nah, I'm just winging it right now," Clark said, shrugging as he fell back onto the bed and closed his eyes. "You'd be amazed how clear your mind is after sex." 

Lex chuckled at Clark's too-true comment, but soon turned serious once again. 

"Whatever happens, Clark, I don't want this to change things between us," he whispered. "I don't want to lose you as a friend." 

"You won't," Clark answered simply, opening his eyes and meeting Lex's gaze firmly. He wasn't sure if he believed his own words, but he desperately wished they were true. "We'll always be friends." 

"Good," Lex answered, not sure he believed those words either, but when he looked into those eyes, he could not help but hope that they were true. 


End file.
